I know myself a little better.

My nursing classes take me to weird places in my own soul. It seems that, the more I dig into the workings of the human body and mind, the more I see into my own internal workings. The more I see of others' sufferings, the more I understand my own. In short, to know others is to know yourself.

I had a eureka moment a little bit ago, sitting at my kitchen table in front of the computer, trying to be interested in chapters three through five of my nursing-research book. In it, the authors present a critical thinking exercise about the process of spotting good research questions to look into. The case study involves the often prescribed regimen of bed rest for mothers in high-risk pregnancies, but it focuses not on the mothers or the babies, but on the fathers who are powerless to help and the guilt and anger they may have during the ordeal. It goes further to assert that the main reason for the crisis on the male is that "men frequently derive their primary source of support from their partners."

Wow.

Now I have to tell you that my wife isn't pregnant, but I'm lost for the first two days that I'm away from her. I've been frustrated at my lack of ambition and the depression that seems to take a while to lift when she goes somewhere without me. It literally feels like someone has kicked my legs out from under me and it takes me awhile to get back on my feet and start moving again. No, I'm not suicidal, nor do I intend to do anything stupid, but it's frustrating to not understand the reasons for my temporary inability to function as I should.

Now I know or, at least, I have begun to understand another way in how integral my wife is to me, even at my core. The day-to-day that has formed my life has her written all over it and, my home, is centered and coordinated by her. Without her, my supports, even unseen, are missing. She, for more than half my life, has become my “primary source of support.”

Wow.

It’s a shock to my system to hit the ground without her presence, to miss her voice, to just know that she’s in-the-other-room. I knew it, but now I know one of the reasons why… and I know myself a little better.